SCoPE - BCcampus Learning + Teaching
Finding Growth in Failed Relationships
A Reason, A Season, Or A Lifetime
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Sometimes we’re too quick to judge our relationships with others. An ex becomes the enemy simply because of the change in status. We get mad at them, either for leaving us or forcing us to leave them. We call them names. Our friends help along, telling us how they weren’t good enough for us and we can do better. While some people can be friends with exes, most look back at previous relationships with disdain. Why?
Assuming that the ultimate goal is get married just once, that means all but one of your relationships will end. You will be leaving a path of exes and possibly broken hearts behind you for years before finding “the one.” How you look back at these relationships can actually affect your future relationships.
When you consider past relationships to be nothing more than a gigantic waste of time, you miss the purpose of the relationship entirely. Every relationship, no matter the length or terms of disolution, serves a purpose. A close friend constantly likes to remind me: people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You never really know which category people fall into until after they’re gone.
People are in your life for a reason when you need a good kick in the ass to get going. They come in quickly, make an impact, and leave almost as quickly. You wonder why they couldn’t stay longer, but that wasn’t their job. They had a single purpose in your life, and once that purpose was fulfilled, it was time to move on. You can call it fate or destiny if you want, but this person was there to get you through a particular circumstance or to prepare you for an upcoming situation. The end may be sad, as in most relationships, but look back and figure out the purpose of the relationship. Then, you can give gratitude to the person for having done their job.
When people are in your life for a season, they are there to provide support and for you to grow together. The pair of you are completing roles in each other’s lives. It’s your time to relax and enjoy companionship as you have many lessons to learn as a pair. At times, you may even think that this person is marriage material, but slowly you’ll start to outgrow each other. It may happen over the course of years, but eventually, you’ll realize that the relationship is no longer serving either of you. This relationship is difficult to end because there may not necessarily be anything wrong. There will likely be hard feelings on either or both sides because it doesn’t seem that anything is wrong. But it’s time to move on. Looking back on this type of relationship, you should realize the personal growth you experienced because of that other person. Your ex moved you forward gradually, but looking back at the relationship you can see a dramatic change from the beginning to the end. When you look back at this relationship, you should look back on your ex as a wonderful teacher and companion.
A relationship that lasts a lifetime is precious. I’m not sure there’s any more pleasant a thought than growing old with someone you love. You meet this person not when you’re done learning, but rather, when you’re finally ready to receive advanced teachings for the rest of your life. This person may appear seemingly out of nowhere, or may be someone you’ve known for a long time. Either way, he or she is the one that will always surprise you, always teach you and support you, and make the rest of your life interesting and supported. It’s easy to express gratitude for this person as the relationship may only end with the passing of one of you.
When a relationship ends, really try to determine which of the three categories the person belongs to, and give gratitude appropriately. Being able to express appreciation for a past relationship not only feels good, but it actually puts you into a better position for your next relationship. Understanding that each relationship has meaning in your life and lessons worth learning enriches yourself as a person.